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July 2014

How to Negotiate

Everyone is a negotiator. Whether we’re deciding what to do on the weekend with our spouse, discussing chores or homework with our children, or asking for a raise at work, we need to make deals with others almost every day.

We may not be particularly good at it, however. We state our position, the other side states theirs, then we come to some compromise that lies along the line between the two. In Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, Roger Fisher and William Ury explain the limitations of this approach:

“All too often negotiators end up like the proverbial children who quarrelled over an orange. After they finally agreed to divide the orange in half, the first child took one half, ate the fruit, and threw away the peel, while the other threw away the fruit and used the peel from the second half in baking a cake.”

By focusing on positions we lose sight of what each side actually wants. Haggling back and forth is a slow, inefficient process. It’s hard to abandon positions to which we have previously committed without losing losing face and feeling resentful.

Instead, the authors propose an approach that focuses on identifying interests, generating options, and using objective criteria to resolve conflicts, dealing with people problems separately from the issue under discussion. The goal is to reach a fair, durable agreement that satisfies everyone’s interests, while improving the relationship – or at least, not damaging it.

Identify interests

Instead of arguing over positions (statements of what we want) Fisher and Ury advocate looking for the interests that underlie those positions (the reasons why we want what we want).

Interests fall into three categories: shared interests (objectives that both sides have in common), conflicting interests (objectives that are opposed to each other) and differing interests (objectives that are neither shared nor in conflict).

Interests are easier to reconcile than positions. Each interest may have multiple positions that satisfy it, and behind every opposed position may be several shared or differing interests, not only conflicting ones.

To determine interests, we should ask why the other side hold the positions that they do, and why they should not do so. What basic needs – status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness, fairness – are they trying to satisfy? If their interests are monetary, why is that money so important to them?

To identify shared interests

“Ask yourself: Do we have a shared interest in preserving our relationship? What opportunities lie ahead for cooperation and mutual benefit? What costs would we bear if negotiations broke off? Are there common principles, like a fair price, that we both can respect?”

To identify differing interests

“Look for items that are of low cost to you and high benefit to them, and vice versa. Differences in interests, priorities, beliefs, forecasts and attitudes toward risk all make dovetailing possible.”

Reaching agreement is much harder unless we understand the other side’s interests first.

Generate options

The next step is to brainstorm multiple solutions that might satisfy their interests and our own.

Shared interests should be handled by making them explicit and formulating them as shared goals. Repeatedly emphasising them during the course of negotiations can help keep things amicable.

Differing interests are often key to generating solutions that enable both sides get what they want. In the example with the orange, one child was interested in the peel, the other in the fruit. Agreements are often possible because the two sides want different things.

One way to generate options is to start with the problem we are trying to solve, then analyse it to look for causes. From there, we look for broad theoretical approaches that might address these, then look for concrete action ideas to put these approaches into practice.


It’s also possible to start with an existing action idea and work back to the general approach of which it is one example. From there, we can look for other action ideas suggested by the same general approach. Or step back further and ask what other kinds of problem could be addressed by the same approach, then work forward to identify new approaches and action ideas.

It can also be useful to generate options of different strengths, with weaker options as alternatives should a stronger one prove unpalatable.

It’s important to ensure that the options will satisfy the other side’s interests as well as our own. It’s a mistake to think that “solving their problem is their problem”:

“Since success for you in a negotiation depends upon the other side’s making a decision you want, you should do what you can to make that decision an easy one.”

Solutions that are fair, legal and honourable are easier to accept, as are those that are consistent with agreements they have made before. We should understand what the consequences will be to them if they adopt our proposal, and strive to improve those consequences for them.

The ability to invent options is one of the most valuable skills that a negotiator can have.

Use objective criteria to resolve conflicts

The best way to deal with conflicting interests is to use objective criteria to resolve the disagreement.

“The more you bring standards of fairness, efficiency, or scientific merit to bear on your particular problem, the more likely you are to produce a final package that is wise and fair. The more you and the other side refer to precedent and community practice, the greater your chance of benefiting from past experience. And an agreement consistent with precedent is less vulnerable to attack.”

Engaging in a battle of wills over conflicting positions can damage the relationship. Standards make it easier to back down.

“What makes conceding particularly difficult is having to accept someone else’s proposal. If they suggested the standard, their deferring to it is not an act of weakness but an act of strength, of carrying out their word.”

Objective criteria can either be fair standards by which an agreement will be evaluated (such as market value, depreciated cost, moral standards or precedent) or fair procedures that can be followed (such as taking turns, drawing lots or letting someone else decide).

“Consider, for example, the age-old way to divide a piece of cake between two children: one cuts and the other chooses. Neither can complain about an unfair division.”

We should frame each issue as a joint search for an objective standard, but keep an open mind about what that standard should be:

“Insisting that an agreement be based on objective criteria does not mean insisting that it be based solely on the criterion you advance. One standard of legitimacy does not preclude the existence of others. What the other side believes to be fair may not be what you believe to be fair…

When each party is advancing a different standard, look for an objective basis for deciding between them, such as which standard has been used by the parties in the past or which standard is more widely applied.”

Never yield to pressure:

“Pressure can take many forms: a bribe, a threat, a manipulative appeal to trust, or a simple refusal to budge. In all these cases, the principled response is the same: invite them to state their reasoning, suggest objective criteria you think apply, and refuse to budge except on this basis.”

Know your BATNA

To counter the risk of accepting an agreement that should be rejected, we may set a bottom line before starting a negotiation. The problem with bottom lines, however, is that they tend to be arbitrary and, by definition, inflexible. They may be overly optimistic about what it is possible to achieve (causing us to reject a proposal we should accept), or overly pessimistic (causing us to accept a proposal we should reject).

A better approach is to judge every proposal against our BATNA – our Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. Our BATNA is what we would do if no agreement was reached. The stronger our BATNA, the easier it is for us to walk away, so the stronger our hand.

We should be careful when determining our BATNA:

“One frequent mistake is psychologically to see your alternatives in the aggregate. You may be telling yourself that if you do not reach agreement on a salary for this job, you could always go to California, or go south, or go back to school, or write, or work on a farm, or live in Paris, or do something else. In your mind you are likely to find the sum of these alternatives more attractive than working for a specific salary in a particular job. The difficulty is that you cannot have the sum total of all those other alternatives; if you fail to reach agreement, you will have to choose just one.”

If a proposal is less attractive than what we would actually do in the absence of an agreement, we should reject it. If it’s more attractive, we should consider accepting it.

But remember:

“You should not expect success in negotiation unless you are able to make the other side an offer they find more attractive than their BATNA.”

If both sides have good BATNAs it may be better for both to not reach agreement.

Handle people problems separately

Negotiators are people. They can get angry, fearful and sad. They may misinterpret things that are said, overreact, or take things personally. They may mistake their perception for reality.

Fisher and Ury advocate handling these people problems separately from the main issue, by changing the way we treat the other side rather than making concessions.

"Making an unjustified concession now is unlikely to make it easier to deal with future differences. You may think that next time it is their turn to make a concession; they are likely to believe that if they are stubborn enough you will again give in.”

People problems fall into three categories: perception, emotion and communication.

Dealing with perception problems requires us to put ourselves into the other side’s shoes and look at the problem as they see it. We should avoid letting our fears cause us to makes assumptions about their intentions. Perceptions should be discussed openly, and we should look for opportunities to act inconsistently with theirs. We should take care to involve the other side in the process so they feel that they have a stake in it.

Emotions should be explicitly recognised and  acknowledged as legitimate. We should understand where they are coming from and encourage the other side to vent, while refusing to be drawn in to an argument. Symbolic gestures may help.

Communication problems arise when one side is not listening, one side is not talking, or there are misunderstandings about what is being said. The solution is to seek first to understand, then to be understood. When listening, we should be able to explain the other side’s point of view as well as they can, even though we may not agree with it. When talking, we should avoid focusing on what they did, instead explaining its impact on us.

Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In
 is a short but dense book, packed with practical advice on how to reach wise agreements.

Attraction vs. Happiness

Writing in the New York Times, Arthur Brooks warns of the dangers of assuming that the things we are attracted to will make us happy:

“We assume that things we are attracted to will relieve our suffering and raise our happiness. My brain says, “Get famous.” It also says, “Unhappiness is lousy.” I conflate the two, getting, “Get famous and you’ll be less unhappy.”

But that is Mother Nature’s cruel hoax. She doesn’t really care either way whether you are unhappy — she just wants you to want to pass on your genetic material. If you conflate intergenerational survival with well-being, that’s your problem, not nature’s. And matters are hardly helped by nature’s useful idiots in society, who propagate a popular piece of life-ruining advice: “If it feels good, do it.” Unless you share the same existential goals as protozoa, this is often flat-out wrong.”

Robert Cialdini on Influence

In Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, Robert Cialdini describes the powerful mechanisms that can be exploited to get people to say “yes”, and how to defend ourselves against them. First published 30 years ago, it’s still considered one of the best books on the subject. After reading it, Warren Buffet’s partner at Berkshire Hathaway, Charlie Munger, was so impressed that he gave Cialdini a share of Berkshire stock as thanks.

Click whirr

Cialdini starts by explaining that every animal, including us, has certain automatic patterns of behaviour that are triggered in response to a specific stimulus. If a new-born turkey chick makes a “cheep-cheep” sound, its mother will care for it. If not, she will ignore it and may even kill it. Other features of the chick – its smell or appearance – are largely irrelevant. These patterns of behaviour are so consistent it’s as if they’re recorded on tapes in the animals.

“When the situation calls for courtship, the courtship tape gets played; when the situation calls for mothering, the maternal-behaviour tape gets played. Click and the appropriate tape is activated; whirr and out rolls the standard sequence of behaviours.”

Weapons of influence

We have our own powerful click whirr behaviours. Cialdini calls these “weapons of influence” because although they mostly serve us well, simplifying our decisions and providing shortcuts through life, they can also be exploited to get us to do things we might not want to do. Anyone who knows how to trigger them can use their power against us, like jujitsu, using minimal effort. They provide the ability to manipulate without the appearance of manipulation.

For example, when we ask someone to do a favour for us, we’re more likely to get a positive response if we provide a reason, regardless of what that reason is. If we see an expensive item, we instinctively consider it to be of higher quality, whether that’s actually true or not.

Another weapon is the contrast principle, which describes how we view two things presented one after another. Provided they are sufficiently different, we tend to see the second thing as more different than it actually is. A heavy object seems heavier if we have picked up a light object first. The contrast principle is closely related to anchoring bias, our tendency to rely too heavily on the first piece of information that we receive when making decisions.

Cialdini devotes the rest of the book to an in-depth look at six other weapons of influence: reciprocation, commitment and consistency, social proof, liking, authority and scarcity.

1. Reciprocation

The reciprocity principle describes our desire to repay the favours that others do for us. This sense of obligation is so strong it can overcome other factors, such as not liking the person we are indebted to, and can make us willing to give back more than we have received.

Thus, if we want someone to do something, we can increase the chance of them agreeing by doing a small favour for them first. They need not have requested this, and because we get to choose both the initial favour and the subsequent request, we can set up an unequal exchange if we are so inclined. Because there is strong social pressure to accept a gift, it is very hard for the other person to refuse the initial favour, even if they suspect they are being manipulated. This makes it very easy to put people in our debt.

The rejection-then-retreat technique is a specific example of this. Someone starts by asking us for far more than he wants then, if rejected, offers a concession, retreating to a position that reflects what he actually wants. By offering a concession, he engages both the contrast principle and the reciprocity principle, creating pressure on us to offer a concession in return. Moreover, we are likely to feel that our actions caused the concession, increasing our commitment to and satisfaction with the deal. Alternatively, should we accept his initial offer, he has gained more than he would have settled for.

We can resist the reciprocity principle by considering whether a favour done or a gift offered was genuine. If we decide it was not, we can remove the sense of obligation by mentally reclassifying it as an action designed to obtain compliance, then accept the gift or favour anyway. Since the reciprocity principle demands that an action be repaid in kind, we should have no qualms responding to an act of exploitation by exploiting it!

2. Commitment and Consistency

We have a strong desire to act in ways that are consistent with what we have previously said or done. Commitment is the click that produces the whirr of the consistency tape.

“If I can get you to make a commitment (that is, to take a stand, to go on record), I will have set the stage for your automatic and ill-considered consistency with that earlier commitment. Once a stand is taken, there is a natural tendency to behave in ways that are stubbornly consistent with the stand.”

Commitments can also change our self-image, which can in turn lead us to naturally comply with a range of other requests consistent with this new view of ourselves. Cialdini describes an experiment where people were asked to sign a petition that favoured “keeping California beautiful”. Almost everyone signed. Two weeks later the same people were asked to allow a large “Drive Carefully” sign to be placed on their lawns. Around 50% agreed, far more than the 17% who agreed to the same request when it was not preceded by the request to sign the petition. According to the researchers who conducted the experiment:

“What may occur is a change in the person’s feelings about getting involved or taking action. Once he has agreed to a request, his attitude may change, he may become, in his own eyes, the kind of person who does this sort of thing, who agrees to requests made by strangers, who takes action on things he believes in, who cooperates with good causes.”

Others decide what kind of a person we are by looking at what we do. We do the same when evaluating ourselves.

Commitments also have a tendency to grow legs, as we look for additional reasons to justify our decision to make them. Even if the original reason is removed, these other reasons may be enough to ensure our behaviour remains unchanged. For example, a car salesman may offer a very good price on a car, only to deftly remove it after the customer has agreed to the purchase. Perhaps an “error” was discovered in the calculations or he says he was overridden by his boss. In many cases the customer will go through with the purchase anyway, having constructed other reasons as to why it makes sense in the interim.

Commitments are more effective when they are active, made public, involve effort and are made in the absence of strong outside pressures. A large reward or a strong threat may extract immediate compliance but it inhibits us from accepting responsibility for our actions, the key to creating long-term commitment. Worth remembering if you are a parent.

To determine when a foolish consistency is leading us astray we need to look out for two warning signs. The first is the feeling we get in our stomach when we know we are being taken. The second is the flash of emotion we feel when we ask ourselves the question, “Knowing what I know now, would I still have done what I did?” (before rationalisation and self-justification kick in). If the answer is “no” we should immediately press stop on the consistency tape.

3. Social Proof

Social proof is our tendency to look at what other people are doing in order to decide how to react to a situation. We determine what is correct by looking at what other people think is correct.

We typically turn to social proof when we are uncertain or the situation is unclear. We are most swayed by those we perceive as being similar to ourselves.

Social proof can lead to a phenomenon known as “pluralistic ignorance”, however. Others may be thinking or acting the way they are not because they have access to superior insight or information, but because they have observed others thinking or acting that way too. This explains the “bystander effect”, where individuals do not help in an emergency situation when other people are present. Because we like to look unflustered in public, and because we are unfamiliar with how to interpret the reactions of people we don’t know, we are unlikely to give off or correctly read expressions of concern when in a group of strangers. Thus, in an emergency situation bystanders may not help because they are uncertain if an emergency exists and they are unsure whether they are responsible for taking action.

To resist the effects of social proof we should look out for situations where social evidence has been purposely falsified. In addition, we should always compare the social evidence with the supporting facts, our prior experiences and our own judgements.

4. Liking

Simply put, we are more inclined to do things for people we like. Liking can be triggered by several things:

Physical attractiveness. This can dominate the way someone is viewed by others. We automatically, subconsciously assign positive characteristics such as talent, kindness, honesty and intelligence to good-looking people. Both sexes respond in the same way.

Similarity. Whether in opinions, background, personality, interests, dress or lifestyle, we like those who are, or appear to be, most similar to ourselves.

Compliments. It is very hard to stop ourselves liking someone who likes us. Praise does not even have to be true to be effective.

“Actor McLean Stevenson once described how his wife tricked him into marriage: “She said she liked me.” Although designed for a laugh, the remark is as much instructive as humorous. The information that someone fancies us can be a bewitchingly effective device for producing return liking and willing compliance.”

Familiarity. Repeated exposure to something causes liking, often subconsciously, as long as the exposure is under pleasant conditions. Under unpleasant conditions, the opposite is true.

Co-operation. Working together to achieve a goal produces liking. This is powerful enough to reverse previous dislike.

Association with good things. An innocent association with bad or good things will influence how people feel about us, as the imperial messengers of old Persia could testify when they brought news of a battlefield defeat. This explains why people are often judged by the company they keep, why we describe the sports team we support using “we” when they’re winning and “they” when they’re losing, and why companies often try to associate their products with the current zeitgeist. It also explains why we sometimes inflate the successes of others we are associated with, such as our spouse or children.

To detect whether someone is using liking to manipulate us we need to step back and ask ourselves whether we like the person more than we really should, under the circumstances. If so, we need to mentally separate our views of the person from what they are asking us to do.

5. Authority

We are conditioned from an early age to accede to the requests of those in positions of authority, be they policemen, teachers, governments or a knowledgeable sommelier.

So strong is this conditioning that we will willingly go to extreme lengths to comply. Cialdini describes a chilling experiment conducted by Stanley Milgram, a psychologist at Yale University. It was designed to test the willingness of participants (the “Teachers”) to administer a series of escalating electric shocks to another person, on the instructions of a lab-coated researcher. The victim was actually an actor, and the shocks were not real, but the participants did not know this. About two thirds of them continued to the end of the experiment (administering a “shock” of 450 volts), despite the agonised screams of the victim and his pleas for them to stop.

“I observed a mature and initially poised businessman enter the laboratory smiling and confident. Within twenty minutes he was reduced to a twitching, stuttering wreck who was rapidly approaching a point of nervous collapse. He constantly pulled on his earlobe and twisted his hands. At one point he pushed his fist into his forehead and muttered: “Oh God, let’s stop it.” And yet he continued to respond to every word of the experimenter and obeyed to the end.”

Why did Milgram believe obedience to authority was the explanation for this frightening result?

“In a later study he had the researcher and victim switch scripts so that the researcher told the Teacher to stop delivering the shocks to the victim, while the victim insisted bravely that the Teacher continue. The result couldn’t have been clearer; 100 percent of the subjects refused to give one additional shock when it was merely the fellow subject who demanded it. The identical finding appeared in another version of the experiment in which the researcher and fellow subject switched roles so that it was the researcher who was strapped into the chair and the fellow subject who ordered the Teacher to continue – over the protests of the researcher. Again, not one subject touched another shock lever.”

Obedience to authority does not even require that the person actually be a genuine authority figure. It can be triggered merely by the symbols and trappings of authority, such as a title or clothing, even when we know these are not real.

Thus when an authority figure attempts to influence us, the first thing to do is ask ourselves if they actually have any authority or expertise. Even if they do, we should then ask ourselves if they have anything to gain. Someone seeking to influence us may even appear to act against their own interest on a small issue, to establish their honesty, so that we are more likely to trust them on a larger one. For example, a waiter may advise against choosing a dish that is supposedly not good that evening, recommending an alternative that is a little cheaper, in order that we are more likely to trust his recommendation of an expensive bottle of wine.

6. Scarcity

We value things that are scarce, unavailable, or soon to become unavailable more highly than those things that are not. We value things that have recently become unavailable highest of all. Our desire can be increased further if there is competition for the object.

Thus, artificially restricting the availability or apparent availability of an object is a sure-fire way of persuading us to want it more. Signs saying “only 2 left in stock” and limited-time sales are two examples of how companies leverage this to persuade us to buy more.

The scarcity principle applies to information as well as things:

“Almost invariably, our response to the banning of information is a greater desire to receive that information and a more favourable attitude toward it than before the ban…

[However] we can see that information may not have to be censored for us to value it more; it need only be scarce. According to the scarcity principle, then, we will find a piece of information more persuasive if we think we can’t get it elsewhere.”

Something to bear in mind when reading an “exclusive” newspaper scoop.

We rationalise our heighted desire for a scarce object by assigning positive qualities to the thing. We instinctively assume that if we want something it must be because of its merits. Should we acquire the object, however, we do not enjoy it more because it was hard to get.

Thus, if we seek something simply for the sake of owning it, scarcity-induced desire will give us a reasonable indication of how much we value it. However, if we seek something in order to able to use that thing, we should be careful that its scarcity does not cause us to overvalue it. The key to resisting scarcity pressures, then, rests on us recognising our heightened state of arousal and asking ourselves why we want the thing.

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion is a terrific guide to persuading others and resisting being persuaded by them.

Searching for Meaning

Viktor Frankl was an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist who survived three years in German concentration camps during the second world war. In Man’s Search For Meaning he analyses his experiences in the camps and provides a template for finding meaning in life, even under the most difficult of circumstances.

Frankl believed that life is not a quest for pleasure or power, but a quest for meaning. However this is not a search for an abstract meaning of life, but for a specific meaning of our particular life at a given moment in time. Meaning may vary from person to person and from day to day. Moreover, not only must we create this meaning, we have a responsibility to do so:

“Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognise that it is he who is asked…

Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfil the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.”

How might we do this?

“The perception of meaning… boils down to becoming aware of a possibility against the background of reality or, to express it in plain words, to becoming aware of what can be done about a given situation.”

Where might we look for meaning? Frankl saw three possible sources:

1. Work

The most obvious source of meaning is by achieving or accomplishing something: by creating a work or doing a deed.

2. Love

The meaning of love is about helping another human being realise their potential:

“By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualised but yet ought to be actualised. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualise these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true.”

3. Suffering

The attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering can also be a source of meaning. The suffering must, however, be unavoidable – seeking meaning in avoidable suffering is merely masochistic.

Frankl describes how many prisoners in the camps occupied themselves with thoughts of happier times to make the horrors of the present less real. But:

“In robbing the present of its reality there lay a certain danger. It became easy to overlook the opportunities to make something positive of camp life, opportunities which really did exist.”

Or, as others have said, “lean into the sharp points”. There is value in fully experiencing the difficult things in life, rather than running away from them.

Not everyone gave up, however:

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

That insight forms the foundation of Stephen Covey’s hugely successful book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

We can find meaning in suffering by changing the way we look at it:

“Once, an elderly general practitioner consulted me because of his severe depression. He could not overcome the loss of his wife who had died two years before and whom he had loved above all else. Now, how could I help him? What should I tell him? Well, I refrained from telling him anything but instead confronted him with the question, “What would have happened, Doctor, if you had died first, and your wife would have had to survive you?” “Oh,” he said, “for her this would have been terrible; how she would have suffered!” Whereupon I replied, “You see, Doctor, such a suffering has been spared her, and it was you who have spared her this suffering – to be sure, at the price that now you have to survive and mourn her.” He said no word but shook my hand and calmly left my office.”

In addition, we cannot be sure that a given situation is good or bad. Frankl recounts an instance when a transport of sick inmates to a “rest camp” was being organised. His name was on the list, supposedly because a few doctors were needed too. Despite the stated purpose of the transport, all the inmates believed it was actually destined for the gas chambers. However, when given the opportunity to have his name removed from the list, Frankl refused, an earlier incident having convinced him that it was better to let fate take its course.

“The next morning I departed with the transport. This time it was not a ruse. We were not heading for the gas chambers, and we actually did go to a rest camp. Those who had pitied me remained in a camp where famine was to rage even more fiercely than in our new camp.

Months later, after liberation, I met a friend from the old camp. He related to me how he, as camp policeman, had searched for a piece of human flesh that was missing from a pile of corpses. He confiscated it from a pot in which he found it cooking. Cannibalism had broken out. I had left just in time.”

The transitoriness of life should not deter us from searching for meaning:

“The only really transitory aspects of life are the potentialities; but as soon as they are actualised… they are are saved and delivered into the past, wherein they are rescued and preserved”

It’s for this reason that we should not envy the young:

“What reasons has he to envy a young person? For the possibilities that a young person has, the future which is in store for him? “No, thank you,” he will think. “Instead of possibilities, I have realities in my past, not only the reality of work done and of love loved, but of sufferings bravely suffered. These sufferings are even the things of which I am most proud, though these are things which cannot inspire envy.”

Man’s Search For Meaning is an incredible story of survival and an invaluable guide to dealing with the difficult times in our own lives.